


A List of Things Arthur Should Not Do

by arthur_pendragon



Series: Lists of Love [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic, Canon Era, Crack (I Suppose), Established Relationship, Humour (I hope), List, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 21:02:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14089590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arthur_pendragon/pseuds/arthur_pendragon
Summary: and does anyway because he is a Royal Prat and Merlin, poor soul, always suffers for it.Annotated magnanimously by the Honourable, Handsome Prince Arthur and featuring VERY UNNECESSARY capitalisation because Merlin wrote this in a Right Hissy Fit.Re-edited with vengeance by Merlin.





	A List of Things Arthur Should Not Do

  1. ~~The Royal Prat~~ ~~**Prince Arthur**~~ the Royal Prat should not command his pitiable manservant to polish his armour twice in a day. Merlin’s arms beg for mercy; the Prat’s forbidden him from using his magic because he _loves_ to see Merlin unable to lift his arms at the end of the day. **because he doesn’t want Merlin’s head propped up on the citadel gates, idiot**
  2. ~~The Royal Prat~~ ~~**Prince Arthur**~~ the Royal Prat should not ask for a bath five times a week. Merlin needs to be polishing Arthur’s armour twice a day and a bath gets in the way of protecting Arthur. Merlin barely bathed once a week in Ealdor and _he_ turned out just fine **you stank like a hog when I first met you and that smell hasn’t really gone away in the four years since then** I am absolutely fragrant, thank you very much. _Gwen_ likes the way I smell ~~**well then _Gwen_ can go marry you**~~ ~~really?~~ **NO** <3 **> :c** <333
  3. ~~The Royal Prat~~ **Arthur** the Prat should not direct his pitiable servant to the stocks as often as he does. The Pitiable Servant is willing to admit he does warrant a visit every now and then but he would like to smell more of his own sweat **rotten potatoes are an improvement over your sweat** instead of rotten potatoes **you get terribly kinky down at the stocks and I love it**  Arthur no ~~**Arthur YES - is what you shouted last night for all the village to hear**~~ I hate you
  4. ~~The R~~ oyal Prat **oh, whatever** should not eat less food in order to bequeath his leftovers to his pitiable and Slightly Less Starving These Days manservant. The Prat needs his nourishment if he wants to keep trouncing all those knights errant and the servant is fine with his “ribs being more suited to a scarecrow in a barley field”. The Prat could always ask his manservant to bring up more food **because said manservant _never_ stumbles on the top step to Arthur’s chambers and spills all that hard work over the floor **~~**oh you didn’t strike this one through.**~~
  5. ~~The R~~ Prince Arthur ~~**THANK YOU**~~ should not make his pitiable manservant refill his goblet thrice with Camelot’s strongest wine every night. Merlin has to drag a drunk Prat back to his bed and he rather thinks King Uther thinks there’s something going on between the two of them **well, there is… isn’t there?** undoubtedly, you Insecure Git, but Merlin would like Never to be executed for Anything Ever in his life and you loudly singing bawdy songs about sucking my cock on our way out of the hall is helping entirely in the wrong way ~~**I love sucking your** ~~ I know
  6. Prince Arthur should not rip up his tunics so often. The seamstresses are getting quite tired of his pitiable manservant’s **annoying** face and Merlin doesn’t like his thumb to be pricked so often, as if he’s in a fairy tale **whom do I need to kill** no, they were teaching me to mend your clothes myself because otherwise they can’t mend anyone else’s in time and also you’ve _forbidden me from using my magic :( :( :(_
  7. ~~Prince Arthur should not laugh so loudly every time Sir Leon cracks a joke. He looks even more like a Royal Prat than usual and his pitiable manservant has to overexert himself trying not to hit his master upside the head with his own shield~~ **excuse me, you’re the one that does all the tunic-ripping, you insatiable wench** are you complaining **shut up, Merlin**
  8. Prince Arthur should not be so jealous of Lancelot, who is only his pitiable manservant’s friend and brother. It would also behove Prince Arthur to be a tad bit more observant in that Lancelot is bonkers for Gwen even if he sometimes sleeps in my bed **he what** he sleeps in my bed the days I sleep in yours **that’s better**
  9. Arthur should not drag his pitiable manservant into alcoves all day and distract him from doing Important Chores ~~**you keep getting shirty over Leon**~~ by kissing him for hours until Merlin can’t even go anywhere without all the maids giggling at him and asking if he has a Proclivity for Morgana’s lip colours.
  10. ~~**do you have a proclivity for**~~ Arthur should not declare his love for his pitiable manservant in front of Gaius. Every time he randomly barges into Gaius’s infirmary and kisses Merlin senseless and says a variation on “I love you, I’ll protect you, I’ll never let you go” and then leaves as if it is a customary thing for him to do, Gaius inevitably treats Merlin to a lecture on the proper way to please the Prince and I would rather die than listen to the wonderfully specific uses of muscle relaxants a seventh time.
  11. Arthur should not argue with Gwaine every time he turns up in Camelot. Gwaine said he will apply to be a knight when Arthur is king and Arthur has to learn to be patient about it and not whinge all the time to his pitiable manservant who has Armour Polishing and Tunic Mending to do and Places to be. ~~**you hate it when I’m patient ;)**~~
  12. Arthur should not bloody ban his pitiable servant from doing magic for his Daily Important Chores. It’s an intrinsic part of him and Merlin was doing just fine being **““** secretive **””** about it ~~**I came into my room to see you snoring in my bed while a broom swept the hearth by itself**~~ doing just fine being secretive to the right people about it
  13. Arthur should not—should not get bored of reading and commenting on this list and— sh o uld no t liftMerlinup and whisper silly, dirty things into his ear and shouldn’t-  hey. shouldn’t-  shouldn’t lick the shell of his ear **and shouldn’t say _I love it when I’m the only one you have eyes for_**  shouldn’t be such an abso _lutely_ incorrigible, ridiculous, charming, annoying, darling of a **prat.**



**Author's Note:**

> feedback welcomed! <3


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